Episode 34: Love & Hate

Transcript

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we have another wonderful guest.

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We would like to introduce tt to the podcast, so tell us a little bit about yourself.

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Say hello, tt hello everyone.

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my name, everyone.

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My name is Titi.

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I'm an original native from Georgia.

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I'm here in Maryland, glad to be on the show.

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Good to have you, good to have you.

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We definitely like to get a different perspective on the show.

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You know everybody can be like minded, like Dub and Trey, so we want to definitely have some different voices and some different perspectives.

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So let's jump right into it.

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Titi, I got a question for you.

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When you hear a relationship is 50-50, what does that mean to you?

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Do you believe in 50-50 relationships?

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Oh, that's a good question.

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When I hear that a relationship is 50-50, what I hear is that neither party is sort of giving their all.

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Now I do understand that there will be times like when maybe the male needs to show up more than the female and vice versa, but I do think the goal should be that everybody's trying to give at least 100.

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So I personally don't believe in the 50-50.

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Okay.

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That's interesting, that's interesting.

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Why do you think a lot of men are pushing that narrative about going 50-50?

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Because I feel like men are kind of saying that more than women.

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You know what I'm saying.

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So why do you think men are screaming that 50-50 a little bit more than probably in the past?

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And the second part of that question is do you think that women who don't believe in 50-50 think on the same lines as you do about it being 100-100 versus 50-50?

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Gotcha.

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Well, I can start off by saying I'm pretty sure a lot of women don't agree with my viewpoint.

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That's kind of why I started off with off by saying I'm pretty sure a lot of women don't agree with my viewpoint.

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That's kind of why I started off with the introduction like I'm from the South.

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So you know I'm a little bit more traditional than a lot of women, but I think that you know, men, some men are starting to be, you know, more proponents of the 50-50, just because a lot of women are now wanting more authority, I'll say, in the relationship.

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You know, they're wanting to have more of a voice, they're wanting to, you know, get out and make their own money or have their own businesses or streams of income.

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And so you're, in my opinion, you're starting to see more masculine type women or women that are having more of that masculine energy, and so, for that reason, that's why I think that a lot of men are like all right, well, if you're trying to be on my level within this, going to be 50, 50, then I'm not doing the most and you know you want to be on the same level that I'm on.

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Again, that's just my opinion, right.

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Right, if you want to dominate, if you want to dominate certain things, then you should be contributing as if you're in that same energy, in that same space, right?

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I mean, that's how a lot of men think.

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yeah, I would definitely does 50 50 move past financial pieces?

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Because I feel like sometimes when we talk about that 50 50, it gets woven into different pieces of relationships, sort of when it benefits the person who's bringing it up.

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You know what I'm saying.

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So initially, for me, when I think 50-50, when I hear someone say that I'm thinking financially 50-50.

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I do have, you do have, we both bring our financial pieces together and we sort of do our thing that way where you're responsible for half of whatever we have and I'm responsible for what?

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Half of whatever we have.

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But I feel like relationships in general have always been kind of 50 50.

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When it came to decision making, Like in my experiences I don't know, you know you could obviously agree or disagree with this, and my experience is with my parents and people I know when it comes comes to decision-making and things like that, that's always sort of been a 50-50 thing.

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I don't know many men in relationships who respect their women that just make decisions without her input or her say-so in it and they may not call that 50-50, but I feel like that's always existed in some way shape or form outside of the financial piece.

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Yeah, I can agree with that.

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I definitely think that when it comes to any sort of decision, just like with any relationship, that that should be like a partnership.

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So there is a conversation that both parties should have.

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But I do believe, if you know, if there's a situation where we need to sort of if we're at opposite ends of the spectrum, I do think then it should be.

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Then the male whatever 50, 50 or you would be more traditional with a man is typically the provider when it comes to the finances.

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I would say, growing up, like you know, like my, my brothers, my father, my grandfather, they always took care of like their women, like that's what I've seen.

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But me personally I can say from my experience I like to be someone that also sort of contributes.

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So it doesn't appear as if not necessarily that you're taking like your, you know your spouse for granted.

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But I just, I don't know, I just feel like it's also the female's responsibility to sort of pull her weight.

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Um, so yeah, that's, that's that's what I think.

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Okay, and that, who, who, who influenced you most when it comes to the men and women role in a relationship?

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Who do you think influenced you the most?

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Um, definitely my grandparents and, um, my brothers.

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Honestly, um, my grandparents, before they passed, like they've been married for 50 years and during that time, like my grandfather basically just took care of my grandmother, you know she basically handled all the domestic things or whatever, but she'd always, you know, say to you know, find you a good man, whatever, whatever, but always have your own.

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So you sort of have something to fall back on.

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And then again, seeing my brothers and you know, being the only female and growing up with like brothers and male cousins or whatever they always talk about.

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You know, it's a man's responsibility to take care of a, you know, of their woman, but they also want to see that, you know, if something happened, um, that they felt like the woman also could have their back.

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So, um, I would say that's who influenced me the most.

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And then just you know, I just think I don't want to say like you sort of um, expect for the worst to happen, but I do feel, like you know you should, you should sort of have you like some sort of backup plan.

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Like I hate to be in a situation where you know the relationship didn't work or the marriage didn't work, whatever it is, and then you know, like you see that a lot of times, like on reality shows, where you see these women, that now, after the man leaves, it's like they have nothing you know.

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So they're fighting hard for child support or alimony or whatever, because they didn't have their own sort of income.

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Or I don't want to say a backup plan, but just some other way to sort of, you know, provide for themselves.

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So yeah, it's uh.

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It's interesting that concept when, when you're in something, that expectation is very high for it could be very high for a woman If that's her thing, she wants a man to take care of everything but when, if that dynamic changes, then you know, like you said, you should have a backup plan and be preparing uh things, you know, putting things away financially, educating yourself, having a career, having different goals, those type of things.

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But if you're solely relying on a man who has flaws, who can change his mind, who can lie, who can wake up and say, hey, I don't want to do this anymore, you are essentially putting, putting someone else's decision-making in front of your own.

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And then there's a you know, and then there's an expectation or consequence that somebody has to pay for that after the fact, and typically it's the man.

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But again, um, that's a good point.

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That's interesting, I guess, for me when it comes to um again.

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Um, that's a good point.

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That's interesting, I guess, for me.

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When it comes to um, which is just a little too bold a backup plan and I agree people should have some type of backup plan right but somewhere in that space I believe that an immature person could uses that backup plan as a means of like I, I'm only going to try this hard because I know that I can leave and be okay Versus when you don't have that or you're working on that backup plan.

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And I'm not saying it is good to be forced to stay in a relationship.

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That's a bad relationship.

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But the reality is, is that when you're with somebody long enough you're going to have bad times?

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It doesn't necessarily mean you're in a bad relationship.

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It just means you're going through a bad moment or a bad time, regardless of what that is Right, whether y'all are not communicating well or the physical part might not be there.

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But anyone who's been in any type of long term relationship knows that things are up and down Right.

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The down part doesn't necessarily mean you're in a bad relationship.

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But there's a piece of me that believes that when people have that nest egg where they can step away, that the immature minded person would choose to do that, like I'm not going through this, I shouldn't have to do this.

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It's been two months since XYZ, or three months or four months or whatever it is, and they choose to just leave versus sticking it out and not dealing with the downside of those relationships.

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You know what I'm saying.

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Yeah, yeah.

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I love the fact that you said though that would be an immature person, because you know it goes back to what is the motive of why you're setting that you know, quote unquote nest egg, and it shouldn't be.

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This is my escape plan.

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You know what I mean it should be.

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You know, again, this is the backup.

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You know what I mean.

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Like I would hate to think that.

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You know, my partner and my spouse, whatever, if we come across hard times, you know, and having to, you know I'm not a man, but, again, having so many men in my life that talk about the different struggles that you guys go through, you know, trying to live up to being quote unquote a real man, so I would hate to think that if they went through something, then now they have that additional pressure of you know, how am I going to provide for my family?

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Is my woman going to look at me differently?

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You know, because I'm not bringing in as much or whatever's going on.

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You know I would like to think that you know whoever you know the woman is, would be like you know what baby, I got you for a couple of months.

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I, you know, I had this saved up, or let's pull from what I got.

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You know what I'm saying?

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Like that again, that goes back to why I think it should be 100, 100, you know, we're both, you know, putting in the same effort.

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If we both have like sort of the same long-term goals, then we're both working for the same thing.

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Maybe right now, as the man, you want to just pay all the bills, and that's fine, but that doesn't mean that I'm not still going to be making sure that we got savings.

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Or, you know, this is our travel money, I don't know, but you know what I mean.

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That's that's why I say again it has to be 100, 100, not that 50, 50.

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Yeah, and sticking to, like the 50 50.

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I know we kind of moved away from it, but there was another piece of it that, um, I found that that the 50 50 thing also seems to sometimes reflect for women and obviously correct me if I'm wrong reflect for women, like this self-independence.

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That's different when, when you say it's 50 50 or we're equal, which is fine, and I'm trying to ask the question the right way, I guess I'm asking do you think that when women who believe in that 50 50 piece, do you believe that they bring an independence to their relationship that they're trying to protect, believe that they bring an independence to their relationship that they're trying to protect, and because they're trying to protect?

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that independence, that that is where that 50-50 piece comes from.

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You know, I really can't answer that.

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To be honest, I think that, as far as you know independence is concerned, I think it's important for each person not to lose themselves.

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So you know, and then that keeps you from being really too attached, right to the point where you're clingy and it's unhealthy.

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But I do think it's important for each person to sort of have their own, you know, hobbies or, again, income, whatever it is.

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And so as long as you continue to maintain, I guess, your identity while you're still sort of pouring into the relationship or the marriage or whatever it is, then I think that's fine.

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It shouldn't be a.

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You know, I have to protect, so to speak, my independence because I'm losing something by being with you.

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It should be, you know.

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Obviously I feel like with all relationships there's going to be some sort of compromise and that's on both sides.

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So maybe it is.

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You know, I'm a girly girl.

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So I like you know doors being open for me.

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I like you know, I like to cuddle and things like that, you know.

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So in exchange for that, I'm going to bring my masculine energy down.

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You know what I mean.

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I'm going to be feminine because I want to feel like a woman.

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I want to.

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I want to feel like a woman.

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I want to.

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I want to feel like a man is strong and protected me.

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You know what I'm saying.

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So I do feel like you know.

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With, with relationships again, um, there there is some, some compromise, or there is a little bit of give and take, but it shouldn't be in order for me to maintain my independence, so to speak.

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You know, it can only be 50, 50,.

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I'm only going to give so much, you know.

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So if it doesn't work out, then you know I'm still good If you get what.

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I'm saying While you were talking I just thought about, wow, I don't recall people actually having these type of conversations or talking about that expectation at the beginning of a of a relationship or when you start dating somebody, what those expectations look like when it comes to where you see yourself if you were to get into a serious relationship.

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You know, hey, I'm good with this 50 50 thing, or I expect a man.

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A lot of these things are never really talked about until there's a problem.

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So it's just interesting that is not contributing what the other person thinks they should be contributing in some shape, form or fashion.

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And then you know it's already kind of too late because you already invested into this situation, you already care about this person.

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So I just wanted to get your take on.

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Do you think these conversations are had from a woman's perspective?

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Do you think women are really truly having these conversations with men, or are they really just having them with themselves?

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So I think that's why a lot of people talk about you know, when you first get with someone, you meet the representative.

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You know what I mean.

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Like they show you what they think you want to see or they don't want to bring up certain things because they think you know it's going to scare the man away because we're being too serious or whatever.

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That again you want to see if you're on the same page with someone, like you said, hopefully before.

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You know now feelings are involved and then you know you get to the point where you feel like you're settling.

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You know because had you known in the beginning, maybe the relationship wouldn't have gone as far as it did.

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You know because obviously you don't see, you know you're not seeing eye to eye certain things.

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But yeah, I just again, I hope these are conversations that people have early on.

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I think I can understand why people wouldn't, to be honest.

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But then I do feel like, even if you're not having a conversation, sometimes your interactions with people can show you the type of person they are Like.

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If you always go out and like the female is always sitting back, like you know, I'm just going to wait for him to pay, you know, and she never do anything.

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You know what I mean.

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She's kind of telling you without telling you.

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I expect for the man to do everything.

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You know I'm not looking for.

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You know I don't expect to have to give to you because you're a man or you know, quite honestly, some females use men.

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You know, I just want the free meal or whatever it may be.

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But yeah, hopefully the conversation is had, but if it's not, then hopefully pay attention to the signs.

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Yes, absolutely, absolutely.

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But what do you think?

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I think that's a hard conversation to have when you first meet somebody because, speaking about myself and looking back on all the relationships I've been in and looking back on all the relationships I've been in, I did not know that I would have to adjust certain things about myself with each of those people to keep the relationship in a certain place, like you're always the authentic you.

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But until you really know the person you're with, you don't know what changes you may have to make or things you may have to consider or check.

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You know a man doesn't know what areas or spaces he may have to soften, or what areas or spaces that he did not understand, that she needs something more from him in that particular space that maybe his previous partners didn't need.

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You know what I'm saying.

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So, like for like for you, tc, you were saying how you like to cuddle when you're a girly girl, with that man has never had a woman like you.

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That might not have been something that he's ever really had to pay attention to and help foster in that relationship Right?

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So and I'm not saying that's not even a conversation you would have a front, but it's hard to tell a person like what you're willing to bend or willing to um, to change for them, when you don't know yet if they're worth those changes or worth those those things for you to adjust to.

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So, yeah, I think for me it is hard to tell someone that I'm just meeting, these are my standards, this is how I am, and make it sound like absolutely that's what it is, because the fact is is that once we start rocking with each other and if you're the person that I need you to be, all those standards might go out the door I will end up ending and and turning things so that we work, and that doesn't doesn't necessarily mean that I'm always who I was when we first met.

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So you know what I'm saying.

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So for me, yes, the conversation should happen, but there's so many things that happen once you get to know someone that you don't know yet.

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Right, right, I would say when I posed the question it was really more so for women, because most women already have that thought process in their head on what they expect.

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I would agree with you 100% that men don't really know yet because they don't know who this person is.

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They don't know.

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It's the same concept of you meeting someone and a woman saying I want to be a wife and a man not looking at that concept in that way because he doesn't know if he's going to even fall in love with a woman to be his wife.

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The woman has already have this.

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The woman will already and, tt, you can correct me if I'm wrong or you can disagree, but I feel that a woman will will be so forward thinking into something that does not even exist yet, will be so forward thinking into something that does not even exist yet, ie a husband or a good man.

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They've already have these things lined up in these.

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Okay, I want a good man.

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He's going to be making this amount of money and he's going to be doing these things.

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So the question really stems from that communication to that person that you are feeling that way about.

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For men, I would definitely agree.

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I would definitely agree that men are more prone to wait till that feeling is there and in front of them, whether it be good or bad it could be.

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You know what?

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I am the type of man that is willing to, to put it all on the line for a particular person.

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But you ain't that person, right?

00:20:54.608 --> 00:21:09.222
You know and and and in that and in that space, he should definitely communicate that when he does have that thought process that, hey, this is not going to work for me because I am in a different space and I know what your expectations are.

00:21:09.222 --> 00:21:19.053
But I think it's good to talk about those things, especially from for the women who do think so far ahead of what they want and what they expect.

00:21:19.053 --> 00:21:21.741
So I would agree 100 percent.

00:21:21.741 --> 00:21:28.965
You know you can't really speak to those things yet because it's not necessarily that scenario.

00:21:28.965 --> 00:21:32.067
The scenario hasn't presented itself yet, it's not there.

00:21:32.107 --> 00:21:46.018
For the man to look and say, hey, yeah, I'm this type of guy, nah, I'm really not choosing you, then the woman will hold those things against you as if you lied.

00:21:46.018 --> 00:21:53.425
It's not that he lied, he just it's just, those things aren't for you.

00:21:53.425 --> 00:21:54.048
You know he changed his mind.

00:21:54.048 --> 00:21:54.751
And the same thing for women.

00:21:54.751 --> 00:21:56.941
You know it doesn't necessarily have to be a man changing his mind.

00:21:56.941 --> 00:22:00.148
A woman has that same right to change her mind as her mind as well.

00:22:00.589 --> 00:22:09.792
So I just found it interesting and wanted to know do you think women and that goes into the next question Do you think women are more prone to do that and have that vision?

00:22:09.792 --> 00:22:24.557
Way before you know, soon before you, even you know, you may just meet the man and you already have you know, I want him to be this way, I want him to be that way, I want him to do all of these things.

00:22:24.557 --> 00:22:36.829
And what I'm saying is that if you communicate that he is going to run or he going to stay, and if he stays it's because he's he's probably checked off most of the boxes that you have.

00:22:36.829 --> 00:22:42.529
He's probably not going to check them all, but he's probably can handle the things that you check off.

00:22:42.529 --> 00:22:44.814
So I just thought that was that was kind of interesting.

00:22:44.814 --> 00:22:54.104
Do you think women are more prone to have this vision, this?

00:22:54.124 --> 00:22:56.190
this vision of expectations like we're talking about Absolutely.

00:22:56.190 --> 00:23:00.261
I think you know um, as, as you know children, you know most most.

00:23:00.261 --> 00:23:00.844
You know girls are taught to.

00:23:00.844 --> 00:23:03.472
You know sort of you play with Barbie dolls or you know your Ken doll or your baby dolls or whatever, but you know you're.

00:23:03.472 --> 00:23:04.115
You know girls are taught to.

00:23:04.115 --> 00:23:07.907
You know sort of you play with Barbie dolls or you know your Ken doll or your baby dolls or whatever, but you know you're.

00:23:07.907 --> 00:23:08.830
You're playing house.

00:23:08.830 --> 00:23:09.862
You know what I'm saying.

00:23:09.862 --> 00:23:11.747
Like you're preparing to be.

00:23:11.747 --> 00:23:13.372
You know a wife you're looking for.

00:23:13.539 --> 00:23:16.644
You know the knight in shining armor or whatever it may be versus.

00:23:16.644 --> 00:23:24.253
You know, you guys y'all have like GI Joe and y'all tearing up stuff, so y'all not thinking about being no husband.

00:23:24.273 --> 00:23:27.267
It wasn't no toys about being no husband Right.

00:23:28.500 --> 00:23:28.844
Yeah.

00:23:28.844 --> 00:23:30.922
So I think you know definitely women.

00:23:30.922 --> 00:23:34.704
You know that's the you know most of us, that's how we're raised.

00:23:34.704 --> 00:23:44.748
You know to be somebody's wife or to be with someone, and I think that's also, too, where you have a lot of you know women now that are sort of you know buck.

00:23:44.748 --> 00:23:50.261
You have a lot of you know, um, women now that are sort of you know bucking the system, like no, I don't need a man to complete me.

00:23:50.261 --> 00:23:50.702
You know what I mean.

00:23:50.702 --> 00:23:54.750
I can, I can do it on my own type deal, but, um, yeah, I do think women are more likely to be on this.

00:23:54.750 --> 00:24:02.190
Okay, if I'm spending my time with him, this is going to be long-term and you know, and if it's going to be long-term, that I need this, this, this, this, this I need these things right.

00:24:02.651 --> 00:24:03.692
Mm-hmm yeah.

00:24:03.992 --> 00:24:04.513
Makes sense.

00:24:07.381 --> 00:24:07.882
You got something, though.

00:24:07.882 --> 00:24:21.256
Yeah, I think what's even better maybe to converse about or to represent is to say I can be these things, but it's up to you to figure out if I can be that for you.

00:24:21.256 --> 00:24:24.545
Right, there you go.

00:24:24.545 --> 00:24:27.092
So for like a, and I'm a speak for women on a woman's side.

00:24:27.092 --> 00:24:30.146
Right, if a woman lays out for a guy.

00:24:30.989 --> 00:24:32.913
You know, this is the kind of wife I can be.

00:24:32.913 --> 00:24:34.806
This is, this is how I take care of a man.

00:24:34.806 --> 00:24:40.411
This is how I can take care of a man, for when a guy hears that, he's thinking he's that man.

00:24:40.411 --> 00:24:45.451
So I think that first conversation would be these are all the things I could be.

00:24:45.451 --> 00:24:51.361
This is the woman I could be, but it's up to you to show me whether or not I can be that woman for you.

00:24:51.361 --> 00:24:54.990
You know what I'm saying, and I think that's fair for a man to do as well.

00:24:54.990 --> 00:24:56.260
This is the kind of man I am.

00:24:56.260 --> 00:25:04.171
This is the kind of man I can be for the woman that I'm into, but it's up to you to show me whether or not that is the kind of man that can be with you.

00:25:04.171 --> 00:25:14.586
So having that general conversation of who I am to everybody I meet the first time gives the assumption that that's who you're about to get and that's not the truth.

00:25:15.670 --> 00:25:20.669
Right Because it puts the person in an accountability phase Right.

00:25:20.669 --> 00:25:22.472
Because, you got to earn it Right.

00:25:22.472 --> 00:25:32.795
It lets you know that those things can only happen if I I'm accountable for my actions and I'm consistent, right, yeah?

00:25:33.115 --> 00:25:34.440
can I ask you guys a question?

00:25:35.141 --> 00:25:46.382
of course go ahead do you think that you know, going along the lines of what you said then, do you think that women are more willing to be like well, you know what he says.

00:25:46.382 --> 00:25:53.625
You know this is the type of woman that he wants, so I'm going to become you know all of that for him, because I really want to be with this person.

00:25:53.625 --> 00:26:03.769
Or do you feel that you know, men are the ones that are like I really want to be with this woman so I'm willing to bend my personal opinion?

00:26:03.769 --> 00:26:07.153
I think women bend more than men, do you?

00:26:07.193 --> 00:26:12.111
know what I mean, they're willing to sacrifice more or settle more than men Like y'all are.

00:26:12.111 --> 00:26:12.431
Just like.

00:26:12.431 --> 00:26:15.208
You know what, this ain't the one I'm moving on.

00:26:15.208 --> 00:26:15.932
You know what I mean.

00:26:15.932 --> 00:26:18.846
So that's that's my opinion, but I want to hear what you guys think.

00:26:19.840 --> 00:26:25.190
I would say a woman will be is more definitely more prone to change who she is.

00:26:25.190 --> 00:26:33.564
All together for a man that she truly believes in and is in love with.

00:26:33.564 --> 00:26:41.511
She will, if she will compromise her herself, and that that's that's what relationships are.

00:26:41.511 --> 00:26:55.648
Right, it is compromise, but I do think men do it, I think women do it in general and in relationships, I think men do it in marriage.

00:26:55.648 --> 00:26:59.384
I think men would.

00:26:59.384 --> 00:27:14.249
I think when marriage comes, I think a man will compromise itself more because of the expectations of marriage, and that's a whole nother topic, right, that's a whole nother thing.

00:27:14.249 --> 00:27:17.563
But I just think in marriage those things happen.

00:27:17.563 --> 00:27:21.828
I would say more consistent for men.

00:27:21.828 --> 00:27:31.073
But I think, yeah, I would agree that through my experience and what I've seen, I've seen women, um, really change who they are.

00:27:31.714 --> 00:27:39.501
But at the same time, I you know, when you're talking about today's society and where we are today, a lot of that is being kind of thrown out the window.

00:27:39.501 --> 00:27:43.968
You know that that concept of even compromising at all.

00:27:43.968 --> 00:27:49.556
But I do think a woman will change everything.

00:27:49.556 --> 00:27:55.733
But the thing is that it's very hard for a woman to get to that point nowadays.

00:27:55.733 --> 00:28:01.772
You know they are so skeptical of the man on every level.

00:28:01.772 --> 00:28:19.035
It's a you have to, like you said, said you have to prove yourself to me from day one, and if we're in that mind state at the beginning, that would mean the man would have to prove a lot before you start changing who you are as a woman.

00:28:19.035 --> 00:28:20.747
But I'll let you go ahead and take it.

00:28:20.747 --> 00:28:22.486
I'll let you go ahead and take it.

00:28:22.486 --> 00:28:23.948
I want to hear what Dove got to say.

00:28:23.948 --> 00:28:24.480
Go ahead and take it.

00:28:24.500 --> 00:28:25.162
I'll let you go ahead and take it.

00:28:25.162 --> 00:28:25.963
I want to hear what dove guys say.

00:28:25.963 --> 00:28:26.183
So I think.

00:28:26.183 --> 00:28:33.606
I think both men and women do that when they are, when they have a high level of respect and love for each other, right.

00:28:33.606 --> 00:28:45.575
So I think men and women can compromise almost equally because from a man's side and something we have talked about, treyrey is that saying of happy wife, happy life Right.

00:28:45.575 --> 00:28:54.326
You know what I'm saying, meaning that you compromise whatever you have to compromise to keep your woman happy.

00:28:54.326 --> 00:29:05.171
And I would say, for the most part, throughout history, men have done that when they're at the level, like you said, trey, in a marriage or you're at that relationship level with the woman that you're with, and traditionally women have always done that too.

00:29:05.171 --> 00:29:05.772
Right.

00:29:05.859 --> 00:29:10.551
To answer the maybe the first or second part of that question, I think it depends on the generation.

00:29:10.551 --> 00:29:22.070
I think older, older generations go into relationships more open minded, understanding that they may have to compromise a few things for it to work.

00:29:22.070 --> 00:29:26.030
I think newer generations feel like I don't have to compromise a damn thing.

00:29:26.030 --> 00:29:32.428
You're going to take me for who I am and you're going to take it or you're going to leave it, but I'm not changing anything.

00:29:32.428 --> 00:29:34.104
You need to check all my boxes.

00:29:34.104 --> 00:29:35.006
This is who I am.

00:29:35.006 --> 00:29:37.531
I get an attitude, I do this, I go out.

00:29:37.531 --> 00:29:40.907
You're going to have to accept me just how I am, or this ain't happening.

00:29:40.907 --> 00:29:45.489
So, honestly, I think it's a generation thing, for both men and women.

00:29:48.000 --> 00:29:48.382
Yeah.

00:29:48.461 --> 00:29:51.431
I agree with that as well, okay.

00:29:51.740 --> 00:30:00.130
So where do you think men and women get the standards or roles that they use to judge each other on how well they are doing in a relationship?

00:30:03.342 --> 00:30:14.190
I think, obviously with most women, women it's gonna come from their friends, um how well they're doing um I don't know with with men.

00:30:14.190 --> 00:30:16.673
Um, I'm trying to think.

00:30:16.673 --> 00:30:20.951
You know I was funny answering questions for me and watch it watch what?

00:30:20.951 --> 00:30:25.243
You say watch what you say, I know right you heard, look you.

00:30:25.284 --> 00:30:27.409
You heard how she giggled when I said I'm going to speak for women.

00:30:27.409 --> 00:30:31.710
When I asked that one question she giggled like yeah, here he go, Right Right.

00:30:31.770 --> 00:30:37.185
Watch your mouth, you did good, I don't know.

00:30:37.306 --> 00:30:46.777
I would hope that you know with with men they have some other male figure in their life that you know kind of told them whether or not they were doing well For my brothers.

00:30:46.777 --> 00:30:53.586
You know, even my grandfather it was you know my brothers, it was my mom With my grandfather.

00:30:53.586 --> 00:31:08.507
You know it was, you know his wife and you know my grandmother and his mom like it was always a female also that kind of said you know, if you're a man, you need to do this, and that you know what I mean.

00:31:08.507 --> 00:31:10.740
Um, but yeah, I would hope to think it would be another male that they looked up to.

00:31:10.740 --> 00:31:12.445
I think it should be anyway.

00:31:12.960 --> 00:31:20.694
So would you say that your biggest influence on love and relationships came from your grandparents?

00:31:22.160 --> 00:31:22.803
Absolutely.

00:31:23.263 --> 00:31:24.367
Okay, yeah.

00:31:24.689 --> 00:31:28.823
Yeah, reminds me they were married for 50 years before they passed.

00:31:28.823 --> 00:31:34.133
So, yeah, definitely they were the most consistent relationship that I saw.

00:31:34.133 --> 00:31:36.943
So, yeah, definitely a lot of my views came from them.

00:31:38.606 --> 00:31:39.970
And another.

00:31:39.970 --> 00:31:44.605
You alluded to your friends, right, women's friends, that validation from friends.

00:31:44.605 --> 00:31:47.752
Um, why do you think that is?

00:31:47.752 --> 00:31:58.948
Why do you think women are, but from both ends, whether it's the friend or the woman who is being evaluated, or valid or validated.

00:32:00.788 --> 00:32:12.680
Why do you think that is so prevalent in our relationships today and in society, when it comes to what women view as important in the relationship?

00:32:12.680 --> 00:32:18.244
Because it really has nothing to do with the man, it has nothing to do with the man, it has nothing to do with the relationship and with the man.

00:32:18.244 --> 00:32:42.925
But somehow this has always been a barrier, an element, a topic, an issue, and a lot of times there are people, there are men, that have no clue that that, that influence or or those, those things that we're talking about are even even being discussed.

00:32:42.925 --> 00:32:49.400
So he, he's, he's already at a loss, he's already at a disadvantage.

00:32:49.400 --> 00:33:03.099
Um, so why do you think that is that is so important for women to have these influential relationships into their friends' relationship?

00:33:03.099 --> 00:33:06.570
If you, if you could, if you could understand what I mean when I say that.

00:33:07.661 --> 00:33:10.909
You know, I think you know we as women.

00:33:10.909 --> 00:33:12.673
You know we love sisterhood.

00:33:12.673 --> 00:33:15.724
You know, you know I think about like.

00:33:15.724 --> 00:33:22.000
You know, when you see movies and you see women at the barbershop and everybody's just talking about what's going on with everybody, you know what I mean.

00:33:22.000 --> 00:33:34.750
Or you have, like just your circle of friends and people that you confide in, and you know you tell them everything about your life, even things that you know you feel like your spouse wouldn't be interested in knowing, or you wouldn't feel comfortable saying it to them.

00:33:34.750 --> 00:33:41.431
So I think that's just part of our nature to to sort of want to have someone that we talk to and confide in.

00:33:42.162 --> 00:33:58.893
I do think, though, when it comes to relationships, unfortunately, that that's one of the areas where you know we as females, I honestly think that you know you have to be really careful about what you say to your friends or even a family members.

00:33:58.952 --> 00:34:23.510
You know, in that case, just because you know you're giving them your perspective on a situation, or the way that you're evaluating that person or whatever, and let's say it's a negative perspective you know your family, your friends, they're never going to forget that you may forgive the person, you move on, but then they still have in the back of their mind what you told them about this person.

00:34:23.530 --> 00:34:28.103
I can also say and you know, I know my ladies are gonna be mad at me but you also have some friends that are jealous.

00:34:28.103 --> 00:34:28.905
You know what I mean.

00:34:28.905 --> 00:34:42.748
And so those are the friends that you can't really say things to because they're always going to hate on your relationship, because you know really say things too, because they're always going to hate on your relationship because you know they don't want I don't want to say that they don't want to see you happy.

00:34:42.748 --> 00:34:45.141
It's just that you know they have their own issues that they're dealing with and so they can't see you happy.

00:34:45.141 --> 00:34:46.766
It's not that they don't necessarily want to.

00:34:46.766 --> 00:34:48.630
It's whatever's going on with them.

00:34:48.630 --> 00:35:12.949
I just personally think you know, unless you got like that, that one really close friend that you know, that's that's not really judgmental, that can be unbiased, that can really give you like some solid, good advice my recommendation is really not to talk to your friends Just because, I mean, we're grown women some things we just got to figure out on our own.

00:35:13.068 --> 00:35:17.342
you know what I'm saying and everybody's relationship is going to be different, you know.

00:35:17.342 --> 00:35:20.164
And then you know again, my lady's going to be mad at me.

00:35:20.164 --> 00:35:20.864
You also got some.

00:35:20.864 --> 00:35:23.467
Would hope that you're communicating with the person that you're with.

00:35:23.467 --> 00:35:39.605
That's really who you should be talking to.

00:35:39.605 --> 00:35:46.764
Real talk, right, but you know, like I said, a lady's going to kill me for saying that, but it's the truth.

00:35:46.840 --> 00:35:48.666
You can't tell everybody what's going on with you.

00:35:48.666 --> 00:35:50.782
No, you was being honest with that.

00:35:51.282 --> 00:35:54.085
Do you think there's a need to be validated and correct?

00:35:54.085 --> 00:36:06.007
That plays a part into, maybe, why women confide in their girlfriends, and maybe men do it too.

00:36:06.007 --> 00:36:09.871
I say that from a perspective of when people tell a story, they're always the victim of the situation.

00:36:09.871 --> 00:36:18.007
Nobody really goes into a story and they really say what they did to play a part in whatever's going on goes into a story and they really say what they did to play a part in whatever's going on, right?

00:36:18.007 --> 00:36:29.362
So I'm thinking that a lot of that may have to do with the person needing validation and being correct, right, like the way I'm thinking is right and and the way I'm seeing the situation is correct.

00:36:29.362 --> 00:36:31.847
It may not be truthful, right.

00:36:31.847 --> 00:36:36.920
They may, you know, somehow forget some pieces that they, the roles they played in the situation.

00:36:37.099 --> 00:36:46.949
But you know, maybe there's this need to be correct and validated, that the way they think and the way they're feeling, um, is the right path.

00:36:46.949 --> 00:36:48.775
Uh, and men do that too, you know.

00:36:48.775 --> 00:36:54.985
That's just not a one thing, yeah, and I'm wondering if that's, if that's a piece of it, I don't know.

00:36:55.507 --> 00:36:59.271
Maybe you know what I mean, Like I could see.

00:36:59.271 --> 00:37:14.175
I mean, I can think of a time when I had to make a really big decision about a relationship and I did, you know, go to a friend that I trusted and said, you know, hey, you know, tell me, you know, what do you think about this?

00:37:14.175 --> 00:37:18.867
You know, if you were in the same position, how would you handle it, type of thing.

00:37:18.867 --> 00:37:28.373
So maybe sometimes it's validation, maybe, but I do think again that you know it goes back to what you said about maturity.

00:37:28.373 --> 00:37:29.282
You know what I mean.

00:37:29.282 --> 00:37:37.829
If you're mature enough and you hold yourself accountable for your decisions, then you have to make that decision, so that if it's right or wrong, it's on you.

00:37:37.829 --> 00:37:38.753
You know what I mean.

00:37:38.753 --> 00:37:43.813
I never want a friend to come to me and be like, well, you told me to leave him and you don't and now blah, blah, blah.

00:37:43.833 --> 00:37:46.523
You know what I'm saying, like uh-uh, no, no sis.

00:37:47.684 --> 00:37:49.425
I'm not going to tell you to leave your man.

00:37:49.425 --> 00:37:50.166
You know what I mean.

00:37:50.166 --> 00:37:51.527
It's got to be your decision.

00:37:51.708 --> 00:37:52.449
You know, what I'm saying.

00:37:52.449 --> 00:38:02.608
I don't want you on the bed cold, well yeah you just hit on a another element of this making decisions.

00:38:03.309 --> 00:38:05.474
You know, it's really, it's really that simple.

00:38:05.474 --> 00:38:34.106
Sometimes a lot of people I'm not going to say just women, but women and men but I would say, if a woman is is unclear about a man, for whatever reason, she may go to her friend to help her make that decision, whether it be a good or bad decision or a decision on how she should respond to that man, because she doesn't want to make that tough decision and she needs somebody there to help her make that decision.

00:38:34.106 --> 00:38:39.494
I just don't like the fact that they seem to understand the man.

00:38:39.494 --> 00:38:45.239
Those friends seem to understand men so well and are men experts.

00:38:45.239 --> 00:39:03.530
And it just baffles me that you hear about these stories or these things and it's just like, for example, you always hear a woman say, oh girl, he not, he's no good for you, he ain't no good for you, that's not for you.

00:39:03.530 --> 00:39:05.661
You know what I'm saying.

00:39:05.661 --> 00:39:09.333
And then, and then years later, you see, you see them together.

00:39:09.474 --> 00:39:14.751
You see them two together, yeah yeah, but I feel like.

00:39:14.771 --> 00:39:16.956
You know, guys, y'all do that sometimes too.

00:39:16.956 --> 00:39:18.943
You know you have your friends that'll be like.

00:39:18.943 --> 00:39:20.547
You know she for the street.

00:39:20.547 --> 00:39:23.463
So you know, don't, just don't fall in love with her, blah, blah, blah.

00:39:23.463 --> 00:39:24.585
You know, I mean I think it works.

00:39:24.726 --> 00:39:29.485
It works both ways yeah, it does, because I tell you what guys do.

00:39:29.485 --> 00:39:34.442
What guys tend to do is they'll definitely find the man to give them the response.

00:39:34.442 --> 00:39:36.967
So they know that they want to hear Right.

00:39:36.967 --> 00:39:48.054
So if, if, if a guy's about playing games and he's about doing whatever dirt he doing, he's going to confide in the friend that he has that also agrees with what he's doing.

00:39:48.054 --> 00:39:57.842
He's not going to confide in the friend that he knows is going to give him a different perspective or answer, unless he's actually trying to fix something or change.

00:39:57.842 --> 00:40:11.907
So when men do that, men are very careful with who they confide in about their relationships and their choices, because they don't want the advice from the guy that they know is living a different lifestyle than they choose to live.

00:40:13.449 --> 00:40:13.710
Right.

00:40:13.710 --> 00:40:18.927
I would agree with that I would agree with that because it's about accountability right, unless he's trying to change.

00:40:18.987 --> 00:40:25.371
If he's trying to change his ways, then he'll probably go to that, to that friend or that person he may look up to.

00:40:25.371 --> 00:40:25.871
You know what I?

00:40:25.871 --> 00:40:30.219
I like the way this guy's handling his business with his relationships maybe his wife or whatever.

00:40:30.219 --> 00:40:36.974
Let me ask him about what I just did and see how to change this or where I messed up and how to fix it.

00:40:36.974 --> 00:40:43.152
But if he all about playing games, he's not going to talk to that dude who is trying to be faithful, trying to do things right.

00:40:43.152 --> 00:40:50.262
He's going to go find a guy who's for the streets too, and that's who he's going to get his advice from, because they're going to think the same, yeah.

00:40:50.282 --> 00:40:51.525
I definitely know some people like that.

00:40:51.806 --> 00:40:55.838
Yeah, that's what guys do yeah, and then also experience.

00:40:55.998 --> 00:40:57.280
You know just experience.

00:40:57.280 --> 00:41:15.585
You know people from, for men and women, you know, from a man's perspective, for me it's really, it's really about the experience someone, someone has to have an experience that I'm going through, that I haven't that, I haven't that I haven't spoken to about, and to get that advice on how they got through that particular experience.

00:41:15.585 --> 00:41:29.867
You know, that's so I can learn and not necessarily take, not necessarily take the same route, but find out the pros and cons of what happened when that person, when that man made the decisions that he made.

00:41:29.867 --> 00:41:35.021

Episode 34: Love & Hate - Miss T.T

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